Yesterday I read Megan's post on blogging, and it finally occurred to me why I've been lacking blog material lately.  I haven't been able to really write about other things, because there is primarily one thing on my mind.

I haven't written this post because I don't know how to make sure it comes out correctly, but I feel like I've got to give it a shot.  Otherwise I'm afraid these thoughts will keep bouncing around my head and I'll make myself nuts.

What it all comes down to is that I want to move.  This may sound pitiful, but despite living here for over 2 years, I still feel like we're on vacation.  When we moved here from Indiana, we were excited and thrilled for this adventure, but we always kind of agreed that we probably weren't moving out here forever.  After growing up in the Midwest, we've simply never pictured ourselves raising a family here, our move to CA was going to be our fun time before settling down and having children.  5 years or so, maybe? 

In retrospect I have to say that this mindset was probably my first mistake.  Although my husband has fully embraced his career and life here, I find myself resisting.  I'm extremely hesitant to put down roots here, because in my head it's all just temporary... but is it really?

I have a huge desire to be closer to someone.  My husband and our life here is enough for me, but I do hate that it takes months of advanced planning and a whole lot of money to see any of our family and friends.  I hate that we couldn't possibly meet up with some of our friends or loved ones for a long weekend after a brief road trip.  We're just a little too far away from everyone we care most about.

Basically I struggle with this because I know it isn't fair to my husband.  I couldn't wait to move here and now I'm wanting to bail.  He is happy here.  He is embracing our life here like it isn't temporary.  My sulking is getting us nowhere. 

I guess that more than anything I'm just hoping that typing this all out will help me find peace with our current situation.  Are there a few things that are less than ideal?  Yes.  But that doesn't mean that I should waste our time in this gorgeous town pouting.  I need to be thankful for the fact that we both have great jobs, that we have our health, and that we have each other.  I need to enjoy life in the now, and stop worrying about where life will take us next. 

I have a feeling that this is just one of many posts that will center around how I'm feeling on this topic because I feel so much better already, just having written it down. 

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Ashley @ Places To Go, Things To Buy said...

I feel like I can identify a bit with how you are feeling. I am far away from my family (they are in Miami, FL and I am in Ohio) and I hate how much money and planning it takes to visit them. My husbands family is here in Ohio though...and my husband is currently in medical school here so we can't just pick up and move. But I find myself constantly thinking about what's next...where are we going to be when he goes into residency...when are we going to start a family....where are we going to finally settle down once he's finally a doctor (in like a million years...)

SO yea, I understand your restlessness. Definitely gotta try to enjoy the NOW and live in the moment. Everything will work itself out and just as you said at the beginning, have some patience. Maybe your husband will understand your point of view more than you realize? Communicate how you are feeling with him...you might feel better once you do that?

Christine said...

Aw I know how you feel but we're only 2 hours from our friends... but I do miss the random happy hours and lunches my friends get to have. I'm sure it will all work out how it's supposed to. You know as soon as you decide to move back you're going to want to stay longer :)

Boston Brit said...

I'm from England but moved to the East Coast for college and never left. 16 years later and I love it...but I miss my family more than I can say. I get so jealous of them being able to get together for dinner or for a movie, or just to be there for eachother when they need to be. I can't even call whenever I want to because of the time difference! My sister is having another baby in December and it's made all those feelings more acute. I don't know that I want to move back but I do know that I want to be closer to them. I totally understand how hard it is!

Katie said...

I completely know what you're feeling here but more from the other perspective.

My husband and I decided to live somewhere right after college and I viewed it as permanent/ set down roots. Husband heard "5 years or so" and really treated it like a stop before we moved back "home".

It took about 4 years for us to come together on the issue and start the process of really moving and committing to a more "permanent" location. More of the idea he had when we first talked about this stuff.

I could go on and on about the being closer to friends and family and the compromise that comes with moving and committing to a "hometown" with someone else so that you are both happy. But I'm still working on it too.

But you're right - sulking get us no where. I'm going to repeat that to my self next time I feel that way!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations for putting your thoughts down in writing! Time only goes faster and faster the older you get. Enjoy each day! MIL

melissa said...

I'm so sorry that most of the people you love most are far away. :( My brother moved to Boston (we live in Orlando) and isn't coming home at all for the holidays. I'm so sad. The holidays always make it harder to be away from family. Hope it gets easier to call CA home until you can return to your real home.

Virginia Belle said...

This is so well written and I'm sure it helps to get your thoughts out. I know it has to be so hard to be so far from your family and friends. I sometimes feel like we are off on our own living in a city with no family but am at least reassured that some family is within driving distance.

At the same time, it's amazing how much your mindset can affect your entire life. The hardest part is accepting things about your life you're not happy with, but once you do, I feel like it gets easier. I hope that makes sense?

I've been thinking about you guys and hope you both figure out what/where makes you happy!

kourtney said...

Aww, I feel sad for you! You're not alone. Even though I'm married and living on my own, I still have pains for my parents and extended family. Everyone is still in Indiana and my parents are looking to move 4 hours south of where we are now. We've been in NC for 15 yrs, and I still do not claim it as 'home'. I always say 'I'm from Indiana'. One day this may change, I don't know. Holiday time always makes it harder as well. Thinking about you! Hope things get a little easier!!

Kristin said...

thats gotta be a sucky feeling!! my best friend is from Indiana and moved here for a few years and had to go back for her hubbys job and they miss Cali so much. But im sure its different for everyone! hang in there

Jamie said...

I always feel like this because my husband is in the military. We are always far from home and it is always temporary. It has taken me' a long time to learn to relax and just enjoy our life as it happens. Good luck!